Notes On Retirement

Well, after 35 years, 4 months and 6 days my employer of choice and I have parted company.

It was a great ride.

Now what do I do?

My first thought was to dye my hair, change my name and move to a new town.
Then reality set in.
Since I already took the vacation of a lifetime last month, (A week in Rome, followed by a 12 day cruise) and being the age I am (not quite old enough to collect Social Security), I guess I’ll have to look for work.
But first, there’s always those things around the house that I’ve been meaning to get to and now have no excuse putting off.
However, as I keep telling my wife, “You have to pace yourself.”
I can’t just do everything at once, just because I’m home.

Here are my retiree rules for pacing yourself, divided into 1, 2 and 3 hour increments.

Don’t do these things for more than 1 hour at a time:
1. Waste time on the computer/internet (Job hunting time excluded).
2. Exercise (Especially if you’re almost Social Security age).
3. Shopping (Get in, get out, leave no man, or woman, behind)
4. Sit in a chair staring into space. (I’ve been accused of this)

Don’t do these things for more than 2 hours at a time:

1. Watch TV (Except when a spy movie or Discovery Channel special runs a little long)
2. Yard work (2 hours a day is plenty to keep the homeowners’ association off your back)
3. Job hunt (Remember, we are pacing ourselves)
4. Sit in a chair staring into space. (Truthfully, it was even a bad idea for 1 hour…Everything’s going to be OK)

Don’t do these things for more than 3 hours at a time:

I can’t think of a single thing that a retiree would need to do for more than 3 hours at a time, other than sleep. But only at night, no 3 hour naps allowed. And if you just sit in a chair and stare into space, remember, 1 hour max.

At some point I must start looking for work. Everyone says “find your passion.”But I don’t think “strip club DJ” offers the dental plan that I now need to replace. However I do practice my spiel now and again. (“Next up is the lovely Viper; and remember gentlemen, there is a 2 drink minimum and the girls are working for tips, so be sure to show these ladies how much you appreciate them.”)

Here are my retiree rules for second career jobs.

1. No uniform, no badge, no gun. (That leaves out McDonald’s, TSA & the Border Patrol)
2. No shift work, no holidays, no weekends (That leaves out McDonald’s, TSA & the Border Patrol)
3. Make more money than at last job (That leaves out McDonald’s…etc.)
Job hunting is going to be a problem for me since I’ve worked for the same company since college. I’ve read many articles on the subject, all written by people who are not looking for work. I have no idea how to prepare to interview with someone who’s probably going to be 25 years old tops.

Here are my (best guess) rules for interviewing for a second career job.

1. Dye hair to cover the grey (Since they can’t ask your age)
2. Inflate how much earned at last job (Since they can’t check)
3. Lose some weight (To fit into the one good Wedding/funeral/interview suit you own)

All in all, I’ve very grateful for what I have, and feel the pain of those less fortunate.

Here are my retiree rules for life after the first retirement.

Find time to:
1. Write a hand written note to one person each day. (Ask someone how to mail it)
2. Perform a random act of kindness
(Preferably anonymously. ”Who was that masked man? I never got to thank him.”)
3. Volunteer somewhere (It may turn into that second career.)